Fake Weather

First we had fake news. And we’re still getting it, lots of it, and it’s totally fake, and totally illegal. It’s a scam.

And now we’re getting fake weather.

That’s right, fake weather. It’s unbelievable.

Take, for example, global warming. Global warming is fake weather. There’s no such thing. No such thing. It totally isn’t happening. Nada. Nyet. It’s ridiculous to lie and say it’s happening, because it isn’t.

You want to know what’s happening out there, weather-wise? I’ll tell you what’s happening, it’s simple. You don’t need a weather degree to figure it out.

You know how, when you feel cold, say it’s winter, or maybe it’s fall, like it is now, and it’s cold out, and you walk past an open door, or like a door opens as you walk past it, and some air comes out of the door and it feels warm to you? Even though it isn’t warm, it’s room temperature, but it feels warm because you’re walking in cold air? Well, that’s all global warming is. It’s air that feels warm to you because actually the air you’re in is colder than it is.

So, warmer air is fake weather. Colder air, real weather.

Besides, if global warming is just warmer air, I say bring it on!

All right. The Earth is getting colder, even though some people are running around saying it’s getting warmer. Some people, not me, I’m not, but some people are saying we have to stop doing everything, we have to stop heating our houses, we have to stop driving our cars, we have to stop, I don’t know, stop rubbing our hands together, because everything we do is causing the Earth to heat up. I’ll tell you what it is, it’s ridiculous, is what it is. It’s fake weather.

The ocean, another example. The surface of the ocean is supposedly getting warmer. Apparently, a lot of people are getting choked up about it. But it’s fake weather. It’s like I was just saying about the air, only it’s water. The water only feels warm when you go into it, because the air above it is actually cooler. Think about a swimming pool – not even a heated pool, just an ordinary, average-temperature swimming pool like some people have. You go into it when it’s a bit cool out, and the water feels warm, even though the water is the same temperature as it is on a hot day, maybe even a little bit cooler. But it feels warmer because the air is cooler.

So, warmer oceans, fake weather! Cooler air, now you’re catching on.

[Drawing by Wayne Grady]

Here’s more fake weather: We’re getting more rain that we used to. Wrong. Read your Bible, people! It’s in the Bible, which happened a long time ago, not just since records have been kept, but, like, thousands and thousands of years ago. It rained heavily and steadily for forty days and forty nights, it says right there, forty days and nights. And after that the entire world was under water, not just parts of Texas and a few places in Florida. Well, the last time I looked, I could see trees and buildings, not just tall ones, and cars, and guess what, folks, the whole world wasn’t flooded. Sure, parts of it maybe, but the whole world? Come on. That’s fake weather. And by the way, it’s totally fake.

Besides, it can only rain as much water as there is on the Earth, right? I mean, it can’t rain more water than there is. That’s just basic arithmetic.

Okay, now we have hurricanes, another example of totally fake weather. Some people say there’s more of them. More hurricanes, more tornadoes, more tropical storms. Maybe there’s more of them, maybe there’s not, maybe there’s the same number. The question is, where are they coming from? Ask yourself this: who’s benefitting?

By the way, for four years, and you know which four years I’m talking about, for four years we had beautiful weather. We had the best weather in the history of the United States, maybe the world, I don’t know, maybe China had better weather, I don’t know, I wasn’t there, actually, I was there and the weather was okay, but we had absolutely beautiful weather here for four years. And look what we have now.

I don’t know who’s responsible for all these hurricanes. Some say it’s the government, making fake weather so Republicans can’t vote. It could be. I wouldn’t put it past them. If you look at a map, you can see that Hurricane Helene went right over some pretty solid Republican territory. Hurricane Milton, same. Did the Dems whip up those storms?  Maybe, maybe not. Some people, not me, but some people, some good people, say they did. But if they did, they did a really lousy job of it. Yeah, okay, they got Sarasota, they got Tampa, and there are a lot of good people in those places, don’t get me wrong. But they missed Mar-a-Lago.

By the way, you’re doing a great job there, guys. Keep it up!

Okay, so now we’ve had fake news and fake weather. Stay tuned for fake sports.